How to Win the Election

It is a crazy world, and from what I can tell there are so many people in America who seem to have no ability to think for themselves at all. I am sure those of you reading this are smart enough to tell when you are reading something if it has any truth to it at all. Most of us can even tell when what we read or hear is a lie based on a truth.  Some of the best lies have just enough truth behind them to make them seem real. After following along with the election this year I know it is too late to announce my candidacy, but if I could, I have a good strategy all set up. It involves taking a page from the McCain / Palin playbook. Here is my first speech to get my campaign off on the right track:

[Step One -  Invoke God, as if he endorses me]

My dear Lemmings, the country, which was created by God himself for good people like us, is in dire straights.

[Step Two - Add lame humor]

No, not the Dire Straights band from the 80's, but the dire straights that means real bad situation. What we need in a time like this, my dear Lemmings, is some strong leadership.

[Step Three - Say you have a specific plan but don't say what it is]

We need someone like me who can take the hard stance, make tough decisions and stand up for our country. I can fix our economic problems my dear Lemmings, and I'll tell you exactly how. My opponents won't tell you how.

[Step Four - Start telling some lies that could possibly be true but probably are not]

Heck, Sen. Obama is most probably a Buddhist since .3 percent of people in Kenya are Buddhists and we know he has family ties with that country. We know what Buddhists do with money, right? They give it away. Do we really want to elect a man who would go and give away our hard earned money? Of course not! And Sen McCain, well, his ties to Barry Goldwater run deep. Barry Goldwater is a libertarian from Senator McCains own home state of Arizona who opposed the Civil Rights Act of 1964. Why we are not digging into this obvious act of racism in his past, I do not know. And someone who would be an acquaintance of a man like that could not possibly have a good plan to fix the economy, and if he did would it ignore all people of color?

[Step Five - Repeat the lies again because that makes them true]

So, my dear Lemmings, I ask you, who do you believe can fix the economy and get you back into your over priced homes? [Wait for them to stop chanting my name before I continue] A possible Buddhist, a man who is an acquaintance with a person who voted against Civil Rights Act of 1964, or me, a devoted leader who has told you time and time again exactly how he can improve the economy within the year. You do want your homes value to return where it was right? You do want your home loan to be cut in half, do you not?

[Step Six - Throw in more God talk, it can't hurt you]

Then, my dear Lemmings, the choice is as clear as the back of your hand, which was created by God himself specifically for you to use when voting for me. 

[Step Seven - Talk about things that people ask you while you travel around. Especially if it is negative about your opponents]

As I travel around this Great Land, I hear from many people who want to know, does John McCain really have a secret room in all of his houses where he holds cock fighting tournaments on a monthly basis? And every time I tell you straight out, I have no idea. And if he did, would it be any of my business? Possibly, but we first need to ask Senator McCain about this and see for yourself how quickly he denies it. Nothing is more incriminating than a strong denial. I am guessing he will say "no" pretty emphatically, so that would mean he probably does. 

Now, my dear Lemmings, I also hear people asking me about Senator Obama. They want to know if it is true that Senator Obama only passed his political science classes in college because his basketball coach talked to the professor and they made an "arrangement" where his scoring percentage on the court could be used as a part of his grade. I tell these people, look, I am not an investigative journalist. If you say that is true, then maybe it is.

[Step Eight - Add a few more "possible truths" to keep the press focused on researching your opponents past and not have time to ask about your detailed plans for the country]

But the questions do not end there. They want to know if Senator Obama uses the term "community organizer" as a way of making his actual job in Chicago of Big Daddy Pimp sound more presentable to the public. Now, my dear Lemmings, I hear you and I am not one to make up rumours about another candidate. So if you tell me those are facts, well, who am I to disagree with you. And regarding your questions about Senator McCain storing large amounts of gold in the basement of one of his houses in order to protect himself when our economy collapses, I just say that the neighbor who saw the trucks unloading it may or may not have seen actual gold bars. I can't be sure so I will not be so arrogant as to question the Senators right to store gold bars. 

[Step Nine - Final Step - (I know ten would have been better, but McCain's mind isn't as strong as it once was, so he only uses nine steps) - Wrap up with another God mention, restate some lies, remind Lemmings you have a detailed plan, thank them for their vote.]

So, in conclusion my dear Lemmings, I thank you in advance for your vote. It is because I have a detailed plan to have the bank give you your home mortgage back with a big PAID stamp across the top that you are voting for me. It is because you don't want a possible Buddhist handling your money, at least until he gives it away, and you don't want some guy who has so many doubts about our economic future that he possibly hordes gold in his basement, that you are voting for me. It is because I am a leader you can trust to bring change to Washington that you vote for me. Finally, it is because I go to a church you have heard about and no one from my church has set themselves on fire in a protest, and no one from my church has had a youtube video made about their pastor. And unlike Senator McCain's pastor, my pastor doesn't know a guy from his days in Bible college that got a minor pregnant. We don't have THOSE kinds immoral things happen in my church, Praise be to God. Let us pray that OUR God let's us win this election so as not to make their God appear stronger than ours. Amen. 

God bless you all, and thank you for your votes in November!

[Step Ten - (This is from Palins playbook. It is only one step long) - Leave quickly like you are in a hurry. Don't answer any questions because you may end up looking stupid. ]

Oh, I am so sure I could have won this election if only I had known these steps earlier.